Crikey your own baby
Men often step back and let the women got for it when it comes to the baby. And your partner might appear to always know what to do and when and how to do it. And it's true, women have hormones that kick in around birth and babying.
But because it all doesn't come to you in rush, doesn't you should be sidelined. Dads are just as capable of caring for their baby as the mum. Guys can do everything the mother can … except breastfeed!
Maybe men do things differently than women. Men are often criticised by women for the way we do things with the baby. If we're not doing it exactly like mum does – doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong. Men have instincts about their baby, too, and they are generally right.
Of course a baby shouldn’t be treated roughly. But there is a big difference between handling your baby like a man and being too rough. Dad’s come to understand how to be with their baby pretty quickly. If you’re paying attention to what you’re doing - and that includes not having had too many beers, etc - you are probably doing it right.
WHAT DO DADS DO WITH A BABY?
Most men find having their baby respond to them is very rewarding.
Your baby will recognise you if you spend time with them. The dad who puts in the time will find their baby responds to him like she does to no one else, even to mum.
For this to happen you have to be around do the things with your baby - regularly. Babies learn by reptition.
What can you do with your baby?
| hold, cuddle and make eye contact | play peek-a-boo and make faces |
| talk to him | sing to her |
| wind and settle her after feeding | change his nappy |
| give him a gentle massage | tell her stories |
| read to her | take him for walks |
| give him his bath | put her to bed |
| soothe her when she’s crying or unsettled | dress him |
| take him in the car | help establish routines |
| simply be there! | do your best to be consistent |
There is not a lot more to it. These are certainly things you can do.
Doing them over and over will help you and your baby get to know each other.
THE HOME INVADER …
Some men love their baby instantly … but for most of us it can take some getting used to. The baby brings big changes and not all of us cope with these changes that well…at least to start with.
Men are often surprised about how much of everyone's attention stays on the the baby…all the time! It's 'baby this' and 'baby that', as though nothing else matters. And for a lot of mothers - nothing is more important than their baby. That puts you, the dad, in 2nd place…possibly a distant second! It can be easy to feel left out and even jealous of what feels losing your relationship. Baby is a big challenge for any relationship.
Hey, a baby is always a far bigger deal than you thought it could be. You thought it would be a bit of an adjustment when suddenly you find everything is different. And you're not sure if it's all for the better. Fair enough.
Settle. Don't worry. It's the same for everyone. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you're a man and you can control how you respond.
If you don't 'get' your baby yet …
Know that many women fall in love with their baby before they are even born. But many guys just don't feel very much at all about the baby at first. You might wonder how your partner can be so infatuated with that little wrinkly thing. The thing is, she's been interacting with the baby for a long time.
When you start doing regular things with your baby and she smiles at you or is comforted when you hold her and talk to her or she listens when you sing to her - that's when the magic starts to happen.
Sticking with it …
Being there for your partner and baby at this early stage will increase your partner's trust in you. You are building something that is greater than what you had before. Many men sense that as they create their family, they are creating new meaning in their own life.
The love of a baby does not diminish the love in our hearts for others - it increases our ability to love. It expands our hearts…if we let it.
SEEING YOUR BABY BORN … WOW
There is something very animal and yet spiritual about birth. The birth is like magic – but in a very raw way.
Being at the birth of you baby can be frightening, exciting, challenging, worrying, charged, exhilarating. It's an experience that is so many things it is hard to describe. But if you're not there - you'll never know.
The baby's birth is different for every man. But most men say that being there is something they never forget, a milestone in their life.
It's not all about you …
Your partner will need support during the labour and for many couples, the father can provide that. Being at the birth is sharing something important and fundamental with your partner … it makes you truly part of her life and part of your baby’s life.
It will make you a believer … in something bigger than you.
Not all men attend the birth …
If you're squeamish, if you're going to faint at the sight of blood, if seeing the birth is going to traumatise you … you may decide that being at the birth isn't for you. You may want to duck out at a certain point or you may want to be in the next room the whole time.You need to do what you need to do. Discuss how you feel about this with your partner. It'll be important to her to know ahead of time who's going to be there and who isn't.
Some guys will be away for work or somewhere else when their baby is born - and they might feel regret about not being about to be there. Well, it is a big event … but it's only the first of a lifetime. Being there, consistently in the long-term is the most important.
NOT MISSING OUT …
The man who has the best relationship with his son or daughter is the one who gives them his time and attention. You don't develop a better relationship with your kids by buying them the most toys. And it's hard to 'be there' for you child if you spend their childhood away from them and doing things away from them - whether it is your work or your play.
Even though your baby won’t have conscious memories of his earliest years, he knows if he felt secure (or not) and if he was loved (or not). Being loved builds character. Your baby needs your love.
The greatest thing you can do for your baby is to be right in there with her, as much as you can…on her terms, not yours.
Doing the regular, everyday things with your baby is very important for his development. Treating your baby well makes him a stronger, more resilient human being.
On the other hand …
If you decide to spend more time at work because it's too chaotic at home or to cover the bills…or if you carry on spending as much time as you always did with your mates or hobbies and don’t make time for your baby – you lessen the chance of developing a strong connection with your child. Just being under the same roof is not enough. It's your loving attention he needs.
Some men think they'll wait until the 'baby period' is over. Men who do that miss out. Children change everyday. They are only tiny wee things once…and then they are grown past it.